


Black hole

by MichelleWinfreyEduard



Category: EXO
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Implied/Referenced Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-24 07:26:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17096375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MichelleWinfreyEduard/pseuds/MichelleWinfreyEduard
Summary: Chanyeol just wasn't good enough for this world//Slight trigger warning//





	Black hole

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is just something that I had to write down. I'm sorry if anyone is disappointed💙
> 
> ×××THIS IS PURELY FICTION, CHANYEOL HAS BEEN USED FOR ONLY IMAGER PURPOSES AND IS NO WAY CONNECTED TO HIS LIFE IN REALITY×××

Chanyeol was 9 when his mother and father separated. He remembers that day clearly when him, his older brother and mother decided to leave town and shift to another city without telling his father because his mother was too annoyed with him. That time he didn't fully understand what's going on, he was just sad he was leaving his best friend behind.

 

Sometimes, Chanyeol wishes he wasn't so tall. He wishes he could be small, unnoticeable in a crowd, could hide in places easier. But with his height, gangly limbs and elf-ish ears, he never could.

Chanyeol, at the age of 15, hated staying with his mother and brother who was older to him by 7 years. His mother was a manipulative and evil woman who would always bully him and hit him sometimes just for his existence. It really wasn't his fault, but at the end of the day he always blamed himself for not being a good child. He always lagged in classes. He never really failed, but he never did well in school.  
He sometimes really loved the company of his older brother. He barely had any friends, so at the end of the day, he'd wait for his brother to come back home to talk to him and be excited for some sort of human interaction. But his brother was too bipolar. If something didn't go his way, he'd take all his anger out on Chanyeol. Chanyeol couldn't do anything but wait till his brother left the room, curl up in a blanket even if it's extremely hot, and cry his heart out. Why wasn't he good enough for anyone? He'd think often. Although his brother never did it once he turned 11, Chanyeol sometimes would cry, go into a panic attack, whenever he remembered how his older brother would sometimes make him kiss him. Sometimes even made Chanyeol touch him in places he never should. Chanyeol was too young to know what it was back then. But now he knew. He would secretly call his brother a rapist inside his mind, but he never touched him. But he never told him that he remembers. He remembered every single time and how much he didn't want to do it.  
In the end, he always decided to let it go because his brother never did anything to him and because he stands up to his mother for him a lot. So he never spoke about it. Who would believe him anyway?

Chanyeol found solace in cutting. He wouldn't cut himself everyday, but it was often, or months apart, depending on his self control. He always wore long sleeved because of it. His mother or brother would occasionally notice, but neither of them cared. His mother did send him to a psychologist once because she didn't "want to see himself cut anymore no matter his mental state." He went but found therapy too childish for him, and never went back after 4 weeks.

 

Sometimes, Chanyeol wanted to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. He didn't mind, he was attracted to both genders. He felt like even though he was so broken inside, he had so much love to give. So much of himself to give to a person. He wanted someone to love, care about, do things for and maybe even someone who loved him back. But he thought he was disgusting and could never find anyone who would think he was good enough. He'd often convince himself he wasn't made to love, and he would be alone and loveless for the rest of his life. But dreaming couldn't hurt right? He'd always imagine about holding someone in his arms and treating them right, he wished he could love and be loved too. But life had taught him otherwise.  
It's not like his mother had set a very good example for him too. She would date 3 men at the same time. Promise marriage to someone she met 2 months ago, but not really end up marrying them. It was the worst. Chanyeol once asked her to slow down, find someone she loves and marry them. "Marriage is not about love my child." She said.

 

Chan often spent his days inside his house. Inside his room only actually, only venturing out to the kitchen for water or food. He didn't want to be alone but he had to. People always found him boring, pathetic, disgusting and weird. He'd rather not be with people at all. He never wants anyone to spend their time with him, and feel like it was waste. He spends his time playing video games, reading books, maybe some art or study when his mother pushes him to. He hated this all so much, but maybe that's how his life was meant to be.

 

He wanted to scream at everyone and cry buckets somedays. But he didn't want anyone to notice. He doesn't want his mother to think he's a burden.

Chanyeol's father contacts him sometimes and still meets him once in a while when he has time to travel to where he stays. He always buys him food, makes him feel a bit better about himself by giving him undivided attention and letting him talk freely. But he knows his father secretly hates him. Of course he did. When they got a divorce, his father told his mother "Keep the liabilities to yourself." That's what he was. Just a liability. He didn't want to be, but he also didn't know what to do.  
Dying seems the best option sometimes, but he calls himself a coward for not being able to do it.

He hated coming home after those meetings to his mother. She would always hit him and ask him to go live with his father. When Chanyeol would have an anxiety attack then, she'd ask him to stop pretending and go study that time. Chanyeol would go to his living room, hide under a chair till his breath came back and tears would stop.falling from his eyes. When it didn't stop quick enough, he would dig his nails deep into his arm, till they were bleeding even, so it would stop.  
He would wait for his older brother to be back home, hopefully he would understand, he knew what a monster their mother could he sometimes. But as soon as his brother would enter the room, he would scream at Chanyeol for the room not being set properly and his things scattered here and there. Chanyeol would just get up and keep his things back, he would go take a bath after that and cry under the shower, so that his years could mix with the water and go down the drain. He was weak and pathetic, he knew it. But he just wished someone would hold him close, comb his hair with their hands and just tell him it's okay, even though it's not.

 

Chanyeol didn't always remain silent, he did snap back at his mother or brother too if they were being unreasonable, but they would always make him shut up and throw curses at him. He really regrets having a mouth that can speak at those times. He may be rude but sometimes he thought that he was allowed to speak too. Evidently not. He just tells himself to shut up the next time. And when he lies on the bed, his body jerking, him trying to stop himself from having another possible anxeity or panic attack and crying, his mother or brother((whoever he fought with at that moment)) would say "You should be sorry. I don't think I've said anything that should make you cry." He feels worse. He wants to crawl into a hole and never come back out.

 

 

 

School. College. Chanyeol hated both of those parts of his life. At school he was alone, didn't pay attention most classes. For lunch he would sit with his three "friends" but they didn't really care about him. He knew it. If they did, they would probably include him in their group outings or discussions. He told himself that he didn't deserve to be upset about it. And that he was lucky they would even have lunch with him.  
College was terrible, the workload was tremendous, he barely had inspiration to do any artwork and still had no friends. He sometimes badly wanted to get out of the house, roam around the city he lived in for 9 years but still didn't know many of its roads and areas. But he hated going out alone, and he didn't have any friends to go out with. So he would just stay at home.

He often still thought about love. Having a partner would make all the pain in life worth living. He could have someone to share his pain with, someone who would maybe understand what he feels like and didn't see him as a horrible and disgusting person. Chanyeol wanted to love someone so badly. But if his pathetic self couldn't even make friends? How could he even have a partner?

He'd always just remain an unsuccessful, ungrateful, failure, pathetic, rude, arrogant, and a terrible human. And Chanyeol couldn't do anything about it but love the rest of his life as a punishment for even existing.


End file.
